I support the Holocaust of Re-makes

The only version of the movie that should exist

I avoid paying attention to re-makes. They're dispensible bullshit that nobody remembers a week after it comes out anyways, especially in this short attention span society where trends that were so huge are forgotten as if they never existed in the first place. Why bother bitching about them right? Us true fans will always have the timeless original film and nobody can ever fuck with it cause it's immortalized so just let the trendy mallgawth fags have their bottle that they'll get bored of after puberty (or whenever they stop being stupid). Like all other re-makes, that was my attitude about "Cannibal Holocaust" at first. Later I realized, it's pretty damn insulting that some fuckwad producers think us true horror fans would buy into this shit just cause they exploited the beloved "Cannibal Holocaust" name on it as if it were a brand name for mindless consumption (BLASPHEMY!). Another thing pissing me off is that the money going to this garbage could be invested into a new movie that's socially relevant to today's culture. "Cannibal Holocaust" was a very radical film that became synonymous with the ultra-violent 80's splatter era. It made an actual contribution to horror history, we don't need it to be recycled into something inferior. Sure, you can point out "The Fly", "Thing", "Nosferatu", and "Last House on the Left" were re-makes but those movies did something radical with the original tame movies, a re-make of Cannibal Holocaust would be pointless because the original already is radical to the max, there's nothing more to explore in the concept! So fuck the people saying "you haven't seen it yet, don't judge it". They obviously don't get it and probably only heard of the movie cause a re-make was announced (if you're not bright enough to discover the movie on your own, you're not bright enough to watch it). Also the original movie was very organic by utilizing genuine tribal people and having a micorscopic budget. Nobody can ever re-create the magic of "Cannibal Holocaust" so why not invent something new? There's probably a lot of good horror scripts out in the world that aren't given a chance just cause scumbag market researchers don't see investing in them as a lucrative move. So basically there are two reasons I support the Holocaust of "Cannibal Holocaust" the remake: 1) Out of spite of being insulted by fuckwad producers abusing one of the most notorious and sacred cult movies and 2) To encourage NEW movies that are relevant to today's world and deserve a chapter of its own in horror history. Are MTV-editing and dumb pale CGI ghost kids the best modern horror "filmmakers" can come up with? SIGN THE PETITION AND SPREAD IT EVERYWHERE YOU CAN. A "Black Sunday" re-make was never made because of a petition just like this one so sign it all of you, it really does make a difference!



http://www.ipetitions.com/petition/cannibalholocaustremake

Through the Looking Glass (1976)

A bizzare, surreal, sadistic, and creepy supernatural tale from the 70's that resembles more of a twisted Euro-horror/exploitation film than a porno. The movie is about a rich blonde woman (so fucking hot!) depressed with her bourgeoisie lifestyle and dead father. To escape such a lame sexless life (her husband sucksass), she indulges in perversions in front of a mirror. This mirror proves to be not just any other mirror (it's a gateway beyond your wildest dreams...and nightmares mwhahaha) and a lot of weird shit goes on as she continues her sexual activities. She even ends up talking like Linda Blair in the Exorcist, goes on psychotic rants, and has sex with a transexual, a ghost, and her dead father????! The explicit sex scenes are either extremely erotic or extremely disturbing, no in betweens...mostly disturbing though. In one scene there was a sick orgy with upper class Victorian snobs and in another scene there was a bathtub full of piss and shit with a bunch of naked nutcases around the place. I don't wanna mention more of the specific crazy happenings that the mirror leads to cause that spoils the cool mystery appeal the plot has. Lets just say the atmosphere and scenes remind me of a mix between "Salo" and "El Topo". Taboos like incest, child abuse, and rape (very violent rape scene here) are all present in this demented art/horror/drama/roughie too. I don't really like calling this a porno because the "porno" label really stigmatizes this with "mainstream/softcore" horror fans not open to explicit gritty sex in a film. Oh well, their loss if they don't want to see it just cause it has some porn elements. The hellish depiction of actual penetration and genitals really gives the movie a more creepy unsettling feel that other horror movies fail to achieve. If you like dark atmospheric horror that gets ridiculously sleazy and sadistic as if it were Alice in Wonderland written by Marquise De Sade himself, you need this movie now! Porn legends Jamie Gillis and Terri Hall (RIP) are here too.

You're not a GOREWHORE, just a WHORE

I'm sick of this bullshit! There's all these cluless bitches calling themselves "Gorewhore", "Goregrrl", or some other cliche gore female amalgam. The only Gore they know is Al Gore. Go to myspace, search for display name "Gore Whore" and you'll find nothing but the biggest posers ever. Their favorites movies are the usual mainstream/Blockbuster hipster list:"Clerks, House of a 1000 Corpses, Hostel, SAW, Kill Bill, Nightmare Before Christmas, Land of the Dead, Fight Club, Donnie Darko, Requiem for a Dream, Pulp Fiction, Clockwork Orange, Devil's Rejects, gory s1ck sh1t!" They usually listen to metalcore, emo, nu-metal, or shitty goregrind and brutal death if they think they're "underground". It's funny how they can name a million worthless bands but can hardly think of a single good gore movie (yet they're called "GOREWHORE"?). Maybe it's cause it's easier and trendier to suck "Anal Putrid Suckment's" cock instead of a horror director's cock? The term "Scream Queen" means nothing now. All these hags try to hide how skanky they are by putting on fake blood and dying their hair black. Next thing you know they're at horror conventions calling themselves a "Scream Queen" and bragging about being whores for gore even if they never even did an actual movie...or know an actual movie. They'll make myspace profiles of themselves photoshopped with CGI fake blood and a MTV-style dark lighting too, UGH! It's bitches like these that make a mockery of horror. They use it as nothng but dumb fashion cause they probably want to impress their equally poser boyfriends. Thanks to them, Hot Topic saturates and monoplizes the entire market with their "dark goth gore horror". Whenever I say I'm a horror fan, your average idiot will think I'm into women that call themselves "Gore Whore". If you say you're into horror porn, your average idiot will think of those pieces of shit called Suicide Girls and movies like "Porn of the Dead" or "Re-Penetrator". I hate these fucking posers cause they think they're like me and will say the most cringe-inducing things ever (lol, we both l1ke horror, L0l, d1d U se3 SAW 3 yet? I <3 th3 g0R3) . How dare they, what an insult! It's so frustrating seeing 99% of horror webzines, magazines, and movies catering to fucks like those instead of real horror fans. Fuck you posers, get to the next trend already and leave my beloved horror alone.

Sjunde inseglet, Det (1957)

If you don't like fancy high brow arthouse films just stop reading this review right now. Anyways, for you cinema geeks out there still reading, here's my fav Ingmar Bergman film. Bergman is like one of the most respected directors ever and for good reasons thanks to "Seventh Seal". It's a film shot with beautiful camerawork, top notch music, dialogue that has profound statements about the meaning of life, and a solid cast. The guy that plays Death here is pretty damn creepy even if he is just wearing a hooded cape with no special make-up or anything else. The movie is set during the black plauge and after the Crusades. A knight meets Death and challenges him to a game of chess. If he wins, he keeps his life, if not he's dead. A lot more goes on in the movie beyond this chess game and philosophical themes are cleverly explored. One of the finest films ever made on a legitimate technical level. Every good serious cinema appreciator I assume has seen this or is going to see it eventually.

Naked Lunch (1991)

The movie started off good. Everything was simple, Peter Weller was some exteriminator and his wife was a junkie on bug powder. Gradually the movie snowballed into a shitload of details that got confusing and then eventually too boring to bother following. I sat through the whole thing and felt 2 hours was way too long for a movie based on not much. The story was a mess. I didn't know what the fuck was going on after 30 minutes of the non-stop talking about umm I dunno. There was something about being an agent and typing reports....also something about being homosexual. The movie does have some interesting surreal moments though with the creature typewriters (organisms fused with mechanisms is a signature of director Cronenburg's work). Pretty much, the only scenes I enjoyed were the ones with the Star Wars looking aliens and that one scene with the creature dry humping stuff. This movie was based on a book I never read before so there probably were some hidden meanings or metaphors that went over my head, although I did read somewhere before that this movie was based more on the author's real life and his drug usage that gave him hallucinations. Apparently the author writes in an unstructured way too so that explains the lack of anything to pay attention to in the movie. I'm a Cronenburg fan, not my favorite film of his even though his other fans love this the most. Hell, I even liked "History of Violence" more, a very unpopular thing to say around hardcore Cronenburg fans. "Videodrome" had a more interesting concept and "Brood" was a solid story, "Naked Lunch" just left me frustrated to try to get into. Good thing I only rented this from netflix, Criterion DVDs are too damn expensive.

The Farmer's Daughter (1973)

Zebedy Colt's first film that has vicious rapes, sexual humiliation, violence and a pissed-off dork with a fro (his voice is funny too). The movie is kinda like grindhouse classics "Last House on the Left" and "Fight for your Life" when three sadistic convicts that escaped from prison stumble upon the farm where a farmer, his wife, his three daughters, and the farm hand dork with a fro live and will be abused. These three bad guys are really mean fuckers and get their perverted ways with the women cause they got a gun they're not afraid to flaunt. They managed to get sloppy blowjobs and brutally sodomize the farmer's daughters. The rough forced sex scenes are morally repugnant and add to the vile sleazy experience that is meant to shock the viewer I guess (cause I just can't picture anyone beating off to this nasty stuff, reminded me of Forced Entry). Things get over the top when one of the farmer's daughters is forced to give the farmer (keep in mind her father) a blowjob. Those escaped convicts aren't the only villains though. The farmer's daugthers are pretty damn perverted and evil too and drove the farm hand dork to insanity. Everyone gets their revenge on each other in the end somehow so this movie has some poetic justice. The dork with the fro had the harshest revenge of all that surprised everyone and really showed his true colors. "Farmer's Daughters" is a movie not afraid of showing a twisted side of humanity, definitley not for the politically correct!...or for people that want a clean arthouse film cause this movie has a filthy gritty look and some of the editing is a mess (although that adds to the filthy gritty charm) Cduniverse has it at the cheapest I've seen it, go get it from them. The DVD comes with 2 other Zebedy Colt films, look for the "Cult 70s Porno Director: Zebedy Colt XXX Triple Feature" DVD from Alpha Blue Archives.

The Impossible Kid (1982)

What's not to love? It's Weng Weng and his crazy antics. We see him do some karate asskicking, hit people with a stick 5X taller than him, ride a mini motorcycle, kiss women that find him irresistable, and do jump flips in this one. This is just about as good as Weng Weng's other movie "For Yu'r Height Only". I forget what the story was here, his movies aren't really known for their profound coherent stories you know. There was something about a ransom and the bad guy wore a KKK mask. I think this one was called "Impossible Kid" cause they had those self destructing tapes. "Mission Impossible" (the TV show, not the gay movie) had those tapes that exploded after watching them right? Not much else to say about this movie, you won't be dissapointed if you were looking forward to Weng Weng doing goddamn amazing things and beating up bad guys. That's pretty much the entire movie. Anything that guy does is simply brilliance. He could be playing pogs or just be brushing his teeth and it would still look awesome. What a great guy Weng Weng was. As far as I know, the easiest and only non-bootleg way to get this movie is to buy this "50 Movie Pack Martial Arts" DVD Collection that costs about $15 usually. It's worth every penny. I love the way they dubbed Weng Weng's voice, it so doesn't match him!! After you watch this you'll want it ASAP.