Monsturd (2003)

I was expecting stupid fun but all I got was stupid. There isn't anything funny at all. It was so bad it simply sucked. You'd think with a name like "Monsturd" there'd be some hilarious disgusting scenes, like the vomit scene in Bad Taste. All the shit jokes were so obvious though. Any idiot could come up with this bland ultra-tame/G-rated dialogue. They also have awful music being abused in every scene. Give it a rest, geesh. There aren't any violent/gore parts either. When the lame monster attacks, they just show people screaming and water splashing with some tootsie roll stains apparently. The monster only gets shown a couple times. The worst part of the movie is that it takes elements of the thriller genre (which it tries to spoof as well as horror) too seriously. There were details they just spent too much time on explaining. I wanted to watch a movie, not follow something pointless. I can't believe I sat through this mess. The ending felt like they just ran out of ideas so they ended everything in a snap with bullshit CGI. What a shitty movie (very appropriate description for the title eh?). The only redeeming quality about this movie is I'll have something to throw at people in case everything else I own disappears and I have the need for a projectile. I’d probably only need a projectile just to break another copy of Monsturd though. Ugh, just take a look at the year this was made, I should have known better.

Deathdream (1974)

A solider that died in war returns to his small town home after his family was told he was dead. His arrival was a joyous moment until he acts like a silent antisocial asshole and kills some people and a dog. The movie isn't cheesy or trashy and has a very serious unsettling tone, utilizing the archetype horrors of a zombie/serial killer to illustrate the real horrors of war's affect on society beyond the battlefield. It's a depressing tale with some genuinley creepy make-up and mysterious atmosphere. The social commentary was subtle, using metaphors to get the message out in clever ways (ex: the blood addiction parallels the drug addiction in NAM). Tom Savini's first movie but not that much gore, only a few blood splatter and a gruesome neck wound. You mindless gorehounds would be dissapointed. The DVD from Blue Undergorund is a must own and has interesting extras. This is like my fav Bob Clark film. A lot of people don't realize this movie was from the same guy that brought us "Porky's" and "A Christmas Story" (the one where Ralphie shoots his eye out).

Nightmare in a Damaged Brain (1981)

It’s a standard psycho slasher movie but what sets it apart from most others is the over-the-top brutality. One unfortunate babysitter gets her back hammered in, leaving deep holes within her flesh that spit blood. Then there’s the infamous end where the weird fuck flashbacks to some perverted kinky shit he witnessed and is the origin for his insanity. The bowtie wearing little boy (the psycho as a kid) does some major damage with an axe, chopping limbs off and leaving gushing blood fountains in his sex-crazed father and some whore. There’s not that many kills throughout the whole movie but the few kills present give new meaning to the word bloodbath. As for the story, it’s nothing amazing really. It’s just about a guy from a mental hospital whose medication doesn’t work and is trying to find his kids and wife who has a boyfriend now. And as he is hunting them down, he kills a few random people on the way and has nightmarish flashbacks of scenes from that one axe massacre he delivered to his own dad. A bit too many slow mushy family-drama scenes that have nothing to do with the psycho (they all have to do with the wife, her boyfriend, and the kids) but the killer that freaks out about sleazy sexual stuff and kills shit until it’s a bloody mess makes this a worthy viewing for gorehounds and b-movie fans. Tom Savini is credited for working on some of the awesome splatter effects but has denied ever having to do anything with the movie. Even though pictures of him on the set have surfaced, it’s said that he was just the consultant while Ed French did the actual stuff. But on the imdb.com board some guy said he emailed Mr. French and he said he didn’t do the effects and didn’t want to name the people either. That’s a shame nobody is taking credit for this splatterfest. Make sure you get it uncut if you ever buy it, fuck the edited version! Fuck the edited version of anything anyways. I got my copy from Slasher Index. Not a "real" release but the quality and package looks good and you know it's made by a fellow fan that wouldn't give you a crappy cut version.

The infamous patricide scene here!

Darkness (1993)

This entire movie was an excuse to show off gore and it actually works without feeling boring in its pointlessness and weakass story that has cringe-inducing lousy actors. I don’t even remember much of a story. There was hardly ever any dialogue and you see people either running away from or killing vampires. Sure it’s a vampire movie but has a zombie atmosphere the way that there’s a massive invasion. The gore is astronomical, liberal amount of blood drenching and gooey flesh! I love how the vampires violently slurp up a whole mess of blood from people, unlike in most movies where one pussy bite is given. I also like how the vampires not only melt in the sun they EXPLODE! Near the end is probably one of the goriest scenes in movie history. A shitload of vampires start having bubbling skin with their flesh oozing off and then they just blow up into bloody gore chunks.

Headless Eyes (1971)

What if Driller Killer was directed, written, produced, and even edited by Ed Wood? You’d get a comical disaster like Headless Eyes! This is an art-house film gone wrong on every level. You got horrible goofy cuts and sound, cheesy 70’s music, actors surprisingly keeping a straight face when any other human would explode in laughter, and a wacky b-movie premise that takes itself too seriously as if it was meant to be a legit drama. What happens is a down-on-his-luck artist gets his eyeball poked out by a spoon when he broke into some chick’s house to steal money for rent. When his eye gets ripped out, the same sound clip of the guy crying “ah! My eye!” is looped as he squirms on the ground in pain looking like an idiot while bystanders look on like idiots too. Since then, our protagonist has been an antisocial asshole-type starving artist, obsessed with eyeball-themed art, which requires him to stalk and kill random people and take you know what. Of course the story isn’t complete without the cop determined to find out who the killer is behind these ghastly murders and one dumb girl that befriends this bohemian serial killer. There’s a scene where some ugly old crazy lady just sits and laughs menacingly as she repeatedly says, “I know who did it, I know who did it”. She never does specify who she knew did what though but this still freaks out our psycho artist of course and we see him flee the scene with an oddball 70’s soundtrack. Overall, this movie is worth getting on VHS (no DVD yet) if you know how to appreciate the absurd brilliance in cheese flicks. Not really that gory though and the picture of “eyeless heads” on the box’s back is nowhere in the movie. There are a couple removed eyeballs covered in blood, they look so tacky and plastic, that’s about it for the gore.

If you want it, Screamtorium DVD probably has some good looking DVD copies left.

Blood Beat (1985)

Well after all these years, I finally got a copy of Bloodbeat in my hands..and it's probably the cheeziest thing I've ever owned! It really had a Don Dohler (Nightbeast, Alien Factor) feel with the bad 80's lazer effects all over the place and 80's b-movie sound effects (they sound like Atari). The samurai ghost slasher was surrounded by blue light rays and people would shoot telepahtic lazer beams or whatever at it. You have to see this to believe it. The "telepathic lazer" battle reminds of Boarding House but the way the people move and the look on their faces is even more insane! It looked like they were pissed off while having a siezure, hah, is that even possible? Gore level is dissapointing but the Samurai breathing like Darth Vader and talking like a lamb makes up for it. The best part of the movie is when everything in a kitchen starts shaking then flies at this one guy, he gets attacked by a packet of Ramen noodles hahaha. A super awesome cheesefest. What makes it even better is you can tell this was a serious effort to make a creepy supernatural flick but the retarded everything overpowers any legitimacy! Good luck tyring to find a VHS copy (the only real release it has and always will have cause no company will put this out haha), if you really wanna see it my buddy at Screamtorium DVD makes cool DVD-R copies of it, check with him.

Killer Workout aka Aerobicide (1986)

A hybrid of lame 80’s aerobics and a lame 80’s slasher with some lame fight between two meatheads and lame music (where the lyrics consist of counting haha) makes this totally awesome. Not much to the plot, typical slasher formula: People are dying at a fitness club, who could it be and why? You got the standard hothead cop on the case and a few dorks that could be suspects. The ending is actually clever, makes you think about the justice system and even makes you wonder who really was the murderer, but the cheesy as fuck burn victim make-up strips away any legitimacy this movie could have merited. Oh and one of the aerobic instructors is really hot, in one scene you get to see her boobs. A must see for cheese fans that know how to appreciate ridiculous concepts with an even more ridiculous execution (haha, the fistfight in the parking lot between the two meatheads still keeps me cracking, I like how some chick all of a sudden wants to bang the winner right after)