Darkness (1993)

This entire movie was an excuse to show off gore and it actually works without feeling boring in its pointlessness and weakass story that has cringe-inducing lousy actors. I don’t even remember much of a story. There was hardly ever any dialogue and you see people either running away from or killing vampires. Sure it’s a vampire movie but has a zombie atmosphere the way that there’s a massive invasion. The gore is astronomical, liberal amount of blood drenching and gooey flesh! I love how the vampires violently slurp up a whole mess of blood from people, unlike in most movies where one pussy bite is given. I also like how the vampires not only melt in the sun they EXPLODE! Near the end is probably one of the goriest scenes in movie history. A shitload of vampires start having bubbling skin with their flesh oozing off and then they just blow up into bloody gore chunks.

Headless Eyes (1971)

What if Driller Killer was directed, written, produced, and even edited by Ed Wood? You’d get a comical disaster like Headless Eyes! This is an art-house film gone wrong on every level. You got horrible goofy cuts and sound, cheesy 70’s music, actors surprisingly keeping a straight face when any other human would explode in laughter, and a wacky b-movie premise that takes itself too seriously as if it was meant to be a legit drama. What happens is a down-on-his-luck artist gets his eyeball poked out by a spoon when he broke into some chick’s house to steal money for rent. When his eye gets ripped out, the same sound clip of the guy crying “ah! My eye!” is looped as he squirms on the ground in pain looking like an idiot while bystanders look on like idiots too. Since then, our protagonist has been an antisocial asshole-type starving artist, obsessed with eyeball-themed art, which requires him to stalk and kill random people and take you know what. Of course the story isn’t complete without the cop determined to find out who the killer is behind these ghastly murders and one dumb girl that befriends this bohemian serial killer. There’s a scene where some ugly old crazy lady just sits and laughs menacingly as she repeatedly says, “I know who did it, I know who did it”. She never does specify who she knew did what though but this still freaks out our psycho artist of course and we see him flee the scene with an oddball 70’s soundtrack. Overall, this movie is worth getting on VHS (no DVD yet) if you know how to appreciate the absurd brilliance in cheese flicks. Not really that gory though and the picture of “eyeless heads” on the box’s back is nowhere in the movie. There are a couple removed eyeballs covered in blood, they look so tacky and plastic, that’s about it for the gore.

If you want it, Screamtorium DVD probably has some good looking DVD copies left.

Blood Beat (1985)

Well after all these years, I finally got a copy of Bloodbeat in my hands..and it's probably the cheeziest thing I've ever owned! It really had a Don Dohler (Nightbeast, Alien Factor) feel with the bad 80's lazer effects all over the place and 80's b-movie sound effects (they sound like Atari). The samurai ghost slasher was surrounded by blue light rays and people would shoot telepahtic lazer beams or whatever at it. You have to see this to believe it. The "telepathic lazer" battle reminds of Boarding House but the way the people move and the look on their faces is even more insane! It looked like they were pissed off while having a siezure, hah, is that even possible? Gore level is dissapointing but the Samurai breathing like Darth Vader and talking like a lamb makes up for it. The best part of the movie is when everything in a kitchen starts shaking then flies at this one guy, he gets attacked by a packet of Ramen noodles hahaha. A super awesome cheesefest. What makes it even better is you can tell this was a serious effort to make a creepy supernatural flick but the retarded everything overpowers any legitimacy! Good luck tyring to find a VHS copy (the only real release it has and always will have cause no company will put this out haha), if you really wanna see it my buddy at Screamtorium DVD makes cool DVD-R copies of it, check with him.

Killer Workout aka Aerobicide (1986)

A hybrid of lame 80’s aerobics and a lame 80’s slasher with some lame fight between two meatheads and lame music (where the lyrics consist of counting haha) makes this totally awesome. Not much to the plot, typical slasher formula: People are dying at a fitness club, who could it be and why? You got the standard hothead cop on the case and a few dorks that could be suspects. The ending is actually clever, makes you think about the justice system and even makes you wonder who really was the murderer, but the cheesy as fuck burn victim make-up strips away any legitimacy this movie could have merited. Oh and one of the aerobic instructors is really hot, in one scene you get to see her boobs. A must see for cheese fans that know how to appreciate ridiculous concepts with an even more ridiculous execution (haha, the fistfight in the parking lot between the two meatheads still keeps me cracking, I like how some chick all of a sudden wants to bang the winner right after)

Revenge of the Radioactive News Reporter (1990)

As soon as you see the box it looks like a Toxic Avenger rip-off. Well the make-up kinda screams that but overall this wasn’t as goopy and bloody as a Troma film. A very sappy love story with a few b-movie elements, reminds me of Darkman on a lower budget and cheese-stenched actors. Basically some reporter who knows too much about a greedy corporation’s toxic pollution is thrown into a pool of green water where the corporation thought he died. Little did they know he became a mutated freak! Now his mission is to stop the corporation from killing his girlfriend who too knows “too much”, re-connect with his girlfriend that thinks he’s dead, and last but not least, he needs uhh..revenge!…you see where this is going. Both intentional and unintentional humor (the satire on corporations was clever) and one detached head are a few highlights. It’s all right, I wouldn’t bother hunting it down though. No boring parts, mildly fun, kill a Saturday afternoon with it.

Rejuvenator (1988)

Healthy dose of gore, a cheesy all girl 80's band, and a neat story make this a worthy viewing. There are some great brain eating scenes, freaky mutations, and creature barf that oughta please fans of weird slimy f/x. The story is just about how some washed up old actress is funding a scientist's research on an anti-aging drug. When she gets impatient and uses the medication in its dangerous experimental phase, everything seems fine...at first. Her dreams have come true but later dreams become nightmare and all hell breaks loose! When she transforms to a creature, eating human brains is the only way to morph back to normal. It plays out like a Jekyl and Hyde movie. No DVD release yet and the bootlegs are more expensive than getting an original VHS, just get a tape for a couple bucks if you want it.

Rocktober Blood (1984)

Heavy metal themed horror movies don’t get any better than this. The soundtrack is the main highlight in the movie. It’s beyond EPIC! The singer decapitates a chick, rips the heart out of a chick, and rips some guts too as he sings “Killer on the Loose” live on stage in front of a dimwitted audience. “I’m Back,” and “Rainbow Eyes” are other killer songs performed on stage as unintentional hilarity ensues. I got to admit (as do other Rocktober Blood fans) that the movie does have some dreadfully slow parts in the middle. It consists of stretched out suspense. Normally that would shit a movie over for me but Rocktober Blood totally redeems itself and more with the awesome beginning and awesome ending. I can overlook that crappy middle because of the opening kills and ending kills (with music!). The story is about some rockstar (Billy) going crazy one day in the studio and killing people that happened to be there. He was later sentenced to the electric chair. Couple years later, the chick of the band continues the band and starts the Rocktober Blood tour. Strange things start happening though. The chick starts being haunted by Billy (but I thought he was dead, oh no!). Is this Billy a ghost? Is he only in her head? Is he even Billy? Find out yourself by sitting through a horrible movie just for the shocking conclusion, badass music, and sweet nacho-cheesy kills! You must find out what Rainbow Eyes is or you’re not my friend...no wonder I don’t have that many friends